There were 30 people in class today—5 men.
Self-consciousness reigned during my yoga practice today. Perhaps it's because I was needing acceptance from myself instead of judgment-- (you're too fat, you don't practice often enough, you're insensitive, blah blah blah). It’s nearly impossible for me to keep my eyes open and still relax. But the physical act of closing the eyes may shut out the other people in the room but unfortunately it doesn't shut out myself, the loudest critic of all...
Today as I walked home from yoga I thought about the appropriateness of my post-college transition from the sweaty studios of Boulder to the muscularly easier but more energetically subtle practice here at Lulubandha’s in Ojai. Some scientists say adolescence doesn’t really end until you’re 25 and the frontal cortex of your brain ‘solidifies.’ In just a month, I’ll be there. In other words, I’m finally growing up, and it’s time that I managed to make my own choices about my postures and my life.
For me, life got much less obvious after college, just as yoga is less obvious at lulubandha’s. Suddenly, there are far fewer external sources telling me what I should be doing. In fact, the external sources are mostly telling me, “You have the answers; you won’t get any more advice from me.” And that’s the last thing I want to hear because going within and finding the truth requires so much bravery and sensitivity. Neither of which I feel I have enough of.
It’s a lot more calming for me if I have a few restraints to work within, like, “Go to college now” or “Do downward facing dog now.” The one restraint that sensitivity does impose seems to be time. Take your time take your time take your time. And that’s the one restraint that I do resent. I want to figure everything out now! Before my 24-year-old softness disappears