It's the tenth of April and snowing. Sitting with Alice's youngest son, Spencer, as he watches cartoons. Alice still in the hospital; no happy end in sight. Doing all I can to be supportive, which looks a lot like what I'm doing now. Shuffling between classes, yoga studio, work, Isabelle and Audrey and this. Tired, bleary eyed, pale. Only time for a few yoga classes this week.
Heidi gave me some incredible adjustments in the last hot class I took with her. During fixed firm, she literally just climbed on top of me and it was glorious. During Trikonasana she pulled my hips and--actually I don't even know what she did, but it made me want to cry and laugh at the same time. I could feel my hips opening up and sort of shaking against her(as a result of her pulling me down and my muscles resisting). Triangle is slowly coming together. Learning how to shift my weight, how to 'float' up and down with my arms. Also learning not to judge myself so harshly. Or at least becoming aware of how I do judge myself. Trying to find a place in my practice/life that is free of resentment, regret, fear, noise. Whispering little phrases to myself in the mirror, like tomorrow I'll find freckles on my nose again and don't let me be lonely.
I started writing this on march 31--endless revision, deletion. Finding I have too much to say, or not enough. Teacher training on my mind a lot, beside a few other things, mostly unimportant, silly things: boys, swimsuits on sale, how I know almost nothing about quantum physics. Am I ready for teacher training? I still hate triangle, I still feel silly during chants, oms, prayanama breathing. Jamie tells me, unsolicited, I'd be a great yoga teacher; tells me my touch is warm, my hugs get better each time he sees me. I don't know, I don't know. Fear, fear, fear. And then the excitement, anticipation, knowing I'll get stronger. I wish for certain things, and can't express them here. Somewhere between this month and the last I got quiet. What is it, define it. Next month will be louder, I tell myself. Next month I'll know more.