I had a rough week and brought the residual emotions to the mat today. I didn’t think I wanted to go to class but I made myself at the last minute. Even once I was in the studio on the mat, I felt an urge to cry and for a moment I considered leaving or at least hunkering down into child’s pose. Similarly, in my life I will entertain fantasies about fleeing, quitting this or quitting that, moving away, tossing out all my stuff.
Yoga only sort of helped today. I stayed mired in my little pool of sadness for much of it. I even felt guilty because I was afraid that I would ruin the energy of the room and make everyone else depressed too. I thought I shouldn’t have come. I was mad at myself for being so unhappy. So much heaviness.
But there were points of lightness too. Kira’s always funny. Today I liked her irreverent delivery of the line, “Surely the point of life is not to make a great plan and execute it.” And of course unlocking my morning tightness felt so nice. I am very interested in Kira’s new focus on feeling prana. I maybe almost felt it in my legs during prasarita padottanasana (wide-legged forward fold).
It’s amazing how much active effort it takes for me to really feel. I sometimes use Uschi’s suggestion—I think “I am willing to feel” as I inhale. Then I relax about it as I exhale. Sometimes this helps me find feelings that my body and mind have conspired to hide from my awareness to protect me or something.
I’ve been a little anxious during savasana lately, as well as at night before going to sleep. I’d like to be able to relax deeper more often and let go of the thoughts that cling to me.